things you might learn in rehab

"that chronic alcoholics' hearts are-- for reasons no MD has been able to explain-- swollen to nearly twice the size of civilians' human hearts, and they never again return to normal size. That there's a certain type of person who carries a picture of their therapist in their wallet...

"That the chilling hispanic term for whatever interior disorder drives the addict back again and again to the enslaving Substance is tecato gusano, which apparently connotes some kind of interior psychic worm that cannot be sated or killed...

"That it is possible, in sleep, for some roommates to secure a cigarette from their bedside pack, light it, smoke it down to the quick, and then extinguish it in their bedside ashtray-- without once waking up, and without setting anything on fire. You will be informed that this skill is usually acquired in penal institutions, which will lower your inclination to complain about the practice...

"That some people really do look like rodents. That some drug-addicted prostitutes have a harder time giving up prostitution than they have giving up drugs, with their explanation involving the two habits' very different directions of currency-flow...

"That a little mentioned paradox of Substance addiction is: that once you are sufficiently enslaved by a Substance to need to quit the Substance in order to save your life, the enslaving Substance has become so deeply important to you that you will all but lose your mind when it is taken away from you...

"That certain persons simply will not like you no matter what you do. Then that most nonaddicted adult civilians have already absorbed and accepted this fact, often rather early on.

"That no matter how smart you thought you were, you are actually way less smart than that...

"That over 50% of persons with a Substance addiction suffer from some other recognized form of psychiatric disorder, too...

"That sleeping can be a form of emotional escape and can with sustained effort be abused. That it costs $225 US to get a MA driver's license with your picture but not your name. That purposeful sleep-deprivation can also be an abusable escape, too, and work, shopping, and shoplifting, and sex, and abstention, and masturbation, and food, and exercise, and meditation/prayer...

"That you do not have to like a person in order to learn from him/her/it. That loneliness is not a function of solitude... What a 'Texas Catheter' is... That a lot of US adults truly cannot read... That logical validity is not a guarantee of truth... That it is possible to learn valuable things from a stupid person... That you can all of a sudden out of nowhere want to get high with your Substance so bad you think you will surely die if you don't, and but can just sit there with your hands writhing in your lap and face wet with craving, can want to get high but instead just sit there, wanting to but not, if that makes sense, and if you can gut it out and not hit the Substance during the craving the craving will eventually pass, it will go away-- at least for a while. That it is statistically easier for low-IQ people to kick an addiction than it is for high-IQ people... That Nyquil is over 50 proof. That boring activities become, perversely, much less boring if you concentrate intently on them... That you will become way less concerned with what other people think of you when you realize how seldom they do. That there is such a thing as raw, unalloyed, agendaless kindness. That it is possible to fall asleep during an anxiety attack...

"That no one who has been to prison is ever the same again. That you do not have to have sex with a person to get crabs from them. That a clean room feels better to be in than a dirty room. That the people to be most frightened of are the people who are the most frightened. That it takes great personal courage to let yourself appear weak. That you don't have to hit somebody even if you really really want to. That no single, individual moment is in and of itself unendurable...

"That certain sincerely devout and spiritually advanced people believe that the God of their understanding helps them find parking places and gives them advice on Lottery numbers...

"That 'acceptance' is usually more a matter of fatigue than anything else.

"That different people have radically different ideas of basic personal hygiene...

"That having sex with someone you do not care for feels lonelier than not having sex in the first place, afterward.

"That it is permissible to want...

"That God... speaks and acts entirely through the vehicle of human beings, if there is a God...

"That a person... will do things under the influence of a Substance that he simply would not ever do sober, and that some consequences of these things cannot ever be erased or amended. Felonies are an example of this."

from

Infinite Jest

David Foster Wallace

1996